Forest of Dreams

so things are finally looking up

Sat, 16 Sep 2006 02:59:31 GMT

SO I had a semi decent day at work today...got my check in and everything. I am just glad that it was big enough that I could get what I needed and be ok. I am going to be leasing my own apartment, and it is on Louisiana. SO that means that if anyone wants to come visit me or get away from tech (david, you seem like one..) Just call me and we will work it out.

This place has everything I could want. I can sign a three month lease and there is even a move in special-50 dollars off rent for the next two months. THere are on-site laundry facilities, and refrigerated air. I am so glad that it is near work in that I can go ahead and bike to work instead of walking or having to rely on others all the time.

The landlady is willing to work with me on the rents, and is even going to hold a room on the first floor for me that cost 100 less, even though it too is a one bedroom. So all in all, I think that maybe things are finally looking up.

and life goes on

Thu, 31 Aug 2006 02:13:54 GMT

SO it would seem. As the days shift one into the other it is almost hard to believe that another month has come and gone. with it comes the ups and downs that mark a life, the ever changing flows that add spice to an otherwise dull existence. It ever seems that some things will change, whilst others stay the same.

I am currently feeling wonderfully ravished, sitting here and typing this. Mark lightly snores in the bed next to me and I once again wonder how this all came to be. A series of fortunate events is in actuality what it was. There was pain in the beginging, and throughout the middle, just as I am sure there will be pain in the end. But that matters not. what matters right now is that all is, and that makes me happy.

My words are not sacred

Tue, 29 Aug 2006 01:50:12 GMT

Why is it theat others ever seek to twist that which I in trust intrust to you, the pen and paper that I hold beneath my eyes? Why must all be shattered and used in a manner for revenge and the causation of pain? Why must it be so?

I am blinded by the fact that I love to write, and by the fact that I began to believe in the good of the world little by little once more. How I could be so naive, I cannot fathom. "My words are a diary, screaming out loud." And yet, when they are heard, they are heard not by someone who cares, not by someone who will use them as they are meant, but by someone who will "use them however you please".

My friends, you know who you are, I cherish you deeply. Thank you for being there for me. I think that life will make me strong, so long as I try to make it through one day at the time.

Now to go read and try and not feel mentally raped. I dont think that I want to eat anything...this whole incident has turned my stomach off food. Not like whether or not I eat means anything...I can certainly survive a week without food...sigh

Confusion

Mon, 10 Jul 2006 20:20:59 GMT

I really dont know what to think anymore. Is he pulling away, or just as confused about things as I am? I really cant tell anymore. He has started to cuddle with me again, much to my suprise. I cant tell you how much I missed that feeling. His birthday was yesterday, interestingly enough. I guess that i am the baby of the house because I wont be turning twenty till november.

Ok. So will introduced me to someone how could inevitably be one of my closest friends. His name is mark. Well, he wants to be something much more than just one of my friends, to the point where he is hinting and not so hinting at me to break up with estevan, whom he despises with a passion. I just dont know about him honestly. It makes me uncomfortable to say the least, because I dont want him to think that I mean anything more than friendship at this point. I just dont want to hurt him like that. And it makes me feel icky and like I am only using him knowing that he likes me and all that. So we shall see where that is likely to go.

Mother is coming up and everything, so that is yet another source of joy for me. -_- but se la vi.

So the bitch is loose

Sat, 08 Jul 2006 07:06:45 GMT

Somehow I knew that it would come to this. I somehow new that it would reach a rather impromptue impass, one that neither of us would escape from unscathed. So he I take it has decided that we are to break up, but, since he is the nice guy, he is waiting for me to break up with him. In fact, he is trying his hardest to get me to break up with him. I guess that wanting to be a free man to schedual all the sex from different people he can outweighs his respect for me. And, well, all that makes me want to do is play hardball. So let him try and get ME to break up with HIM. I am used to being scorned and ignored. I am going to wait till my bed gets here, and my nightstand, and my bookshelf, and then I am going to move into the spare bedroom and be damned Estevan, his computer, and everything else about him. I still like him as a person, and lord knows I still am atrackted to him. But I am tired of allways being the one that is pushed aside for his intrests. A relationship is a two way street, not a step on the other person to get what you want thing.

Life is shit

Tue, 04 Jul 2006 22:02:30 GMT

Just when everything seems to be crashing down upon my head. So I am depressed, sexually deprived, saddnedd and maddened by certain things, and it feels like the one of the bottom cards in my house of cards that is my life is about to be yanked out. I can see certain paths that this might take...and am scared of everyone of them. People ask me why I am so responcible, and all I can think of to answer them is that I have no choice.

Last night will and I were discussing how the seven deadly sins could be turned to good use, such as pride turning to courage, and wrath to righteousness. Well, part of that conversation delt with how the virtues can be taken too far. Such as humility and passiviness. Well, we decided that I would be responsibility. I have no choice in my mind as to this. If i did, I would be the world's most irresponisble, unthinking person that it had ever seen. I would not bother myself with concequences, I would not bother myself with what others think and feel, and how it would affect them...and I would probably be healthier for it as well.

I wish that I could cry right now, for some reason they fill my eyes but I dare not let them fall. Should they fall, all I shall be doing is giving in to a weakness. And should others see them...I cannot let others have that power. I refuse to ever cry on someone, for they do not deserve that, nor do the deserve the pain that it would bring. I shall never be that open with someone, for the pain is mine to bear and bear alone. It is what I deserve, the only thing that I deserve. I shant lie, all I bring to others is pain and worry...and ending that is beging to look tempting. I should have just been a hermit, but then again I have ever been the realist, and how would I make a living? Se La Vi, perhaps it will happen in the future.

So I Sit Me Down to Think and Write...

Tue, 27 Jun 2006 04:27:06 GMT

I suppose that it is high time that I blow the dust and cobwebs off of this journal and once more set it to the purpose that it was first created for. It has been so long since my fingers touched the keyboard to write my thoughts down that I had almost forgotten what a relief it truly was. So much has happened since I last wrote, and yet so little has changed. But then, nothing much has changed if you discount the moving, the new relationship, the job search....yeah, I guess alot has changed.

Where do I begin. So on Feb. 26, the day after I actually started drinking something other wine, Estevan and I got together. Have no clue how, the details are still fuzzy to both of us, but then that is what happens when niether of the people see it coming. And so far I could not be happier. Well, ok, thats a lie. I could be getting laid more often, have a little bit more affection...but all in all I am content. Its those random kisses on the cheek when he thinks that I am asleep that count the most. I guess that that is one of the few things that makes a relationship worthwhile. The things that are done out of the heart mean the most. Sigh.

Then there is this. I have moved to Albuquerque to live now, and well, finding a job is hard to do. I want to meet new people and find new friends! Most of all, I want to get out of these white walls for a few hours and make some money maybe! Yeah, that would be nice, seeing as I now have bills to pay like rent.

That about sums it all up for now. I will be back...now that I no longer fear reprisals for anything that I right on here.

Ahh, tis luck thou art who hath foudn this entry...

Sun, 26 Feb 2006 04:32:35 GMT

One of my greatest desires in this life is to have people quote me. yeah, its a weird and silly dream i know, but still. THe quote about friends in the previouse post is mine. there are so many floathing around in the back of my mind. "beware the moonlit rose, for it is both more fragile than glass and stronger than steel, and whence it grows grows beauty.." but well, if you understand that then you truly understand me.

SO i am to get drunk tonight. or at least moderatly buzzed. whee so much fun. but then i trust the people that i will be drinking with. And that is something beyond words. Lost and found, forgotten and promenent. these words echoe through my mind as i sit and think of how much has changed in my life.

I am not over what has happened. Not by a long shot. but then, the interesting thing is this: i may have been wounded, but the people who did this will in the end bleed more that i have. I may not see it, be there to watch as they fall, but that matters not. In a small corner of my heart i feel sorry for these people. I know that I am that much stronger for all that has happened in my life, and will take that much more to break me. Mad Matt, god how i love him. He deserves a break, and deserves to understand certain things. I wish that i had his IM or something that i could get in contact with him. He gave a name to all of this, and that is " OH my god, its no longer all my children, now it is : All My Techies!!" may all that comes be that which is good, and all that leaves that which is bad. so be it....